Naples, Florida – May 2001

Qualifying Statement #1 (In the USA, at least)

I’m extremely bored.

Well, I’m back in the USA. And, I find myself in Naples, Florida. It’s a tourist town in Southwest Florida about two hours from Miami on the Gulf of Mexico (west coast). And, folks, I mean it is a tourist town.

Naples is a big-money area, with more millionaires per capita than anywhere else in the United States. It shows. The word that comes to mind to describe Naples is "gaudy." Yet, as one slips around town and begins to understand the scene, it all becomes clear. So, if you are ever in Naples, then here are a few facts that can help you decide on the places that you might go, or some things that you might do.

1. Average age in Naples during the tourist season (January thru April) is about 137 years old. The only bad part about that is that they all still have their driver’s licenses and are actively using them.
2. Bar scene – virtually nil. Fifth Avenue and Third Avenue are the places, and they are crowded and happening. Anyone in the 20-30 age bracket is usually a seasonal employee at a restaurant or bar.
3. Restaurants. Naples does have a few very good restaurants. Among my picks:
   • Zoe’s on Fifth Avenue. I like the bartenders, and they know me by now. The food is good. It is an American fare restaurant.
   • Pazzo! on Fifth Avenue. Excellent Italian food and a good atmosphere. I like the bartenders there too.
   • Tommy Bahama’s on Third Avenue- It’s WAY touristy, but the burgers are good and it is something that you should see at least once.
   • Riverside and The Dock in Old Naples- They have good seafood and a raw bar. They are owned by the same people, so they look exactly the same on the inside and they aren’t very far from one another.
   • The Swamp Buggy Lounge. If you feel like disappearing into the shadows and getting involved in something that may or may not be legal, then this is your place. A very eclectic crowd drinks in the SBL. I once sat down by three economics professors, and econ being one of my majors in college we had quite a drunken conversation about The Phillips Curve. Did it really exist? Two bikers on the other side of me piped that they did not believe that unemployment was inversely related to inflation. Also, I went to six bars on Superbowl Sunday and was told by everyone that I would need to go to the SBL to place a bet on the game. Which, they were right.
   • Harold’s at The Quality Inn. It’s not as bad as you think. Harold’s is a bar with an older crowd, but it is situated in The Quality Inn, so there are all ages. The food is good and the beer is cheap and it’s close to my house. Enough said.
   • Club Sushi. This place is insideThe Quality Inn. Fantastic sushi. Better than Ghenki in Atlanta and about half the price.
   • Michelbob’s on Airport Road. I grew up around Memphis, Tennessee, so I am partial to The Rendezvous, but Michelbob’s has some pretty good ribs.
   • Pelican Larry’s Raw Bar on Pine Ridge is the young pick-up bar… At least, that’s what I hear from the bartender at the local Chili’s.

Also to Endure in Naples

The Beach

It’s pretty, but crowded. Besides that, I just spent 15 months living in Costa Rica. Give me a break. After that experience, a concession stand on the beach that does not serve beer borders is sacrilege.

Golf

There are a lot of golf courses here. Most are private, but you can pay per round on more than a few. I am a golfer even though I haven’t golfed since I have been here, so I can’t comment on quality.

Fishing

The fishing is supposed to be good, and there are certainly a ton of beautiful boats on the dock.

In short, Naples, Florida, USA, is the absolute height of boring. Unless you like to play golf and get drunk and go fishing, which I do. On a scale of one to 10, with one being the most boring place that I have ever been, I rate Naples a TWO. Second only to the little town in rural Arkansas where I grew up.

Can’t get enough of Brandon? Also read Brandon’s Guide to Costa Rica.

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