That Was Then, This is Cow
We had only one more week left on our three week, Canary Island, vacation. Up to
this point, we had spent much of our time drinking coffee at various beachside
resorts within a half-mile radius of our room. Our mornings consisted of
wandering the beaches, in search of pirate gold and washed up ship parts. We
would wander the stalls and markets strewn throughout the neighborhoods looking
for trinkets to drag home. Jesse would then head home to nap or read, and I
would wander the beaches, trying to figure out, on numerous occasions, how so
much woman could fit into so little bikini (a purely scientific-based
observation, of course).
It being our last week, we decided to get out of our routine and explore the
island a bit. We opted for a road trip. We were titillated not only by the
excitement of renting a vehicle and heading out into the great unknown, but
also by the fact that we knew nothing about the language, nor the people, nor
car mechanics. It sounded like a Grand Idea.
The first leg of our trip was mildly amusing, somewhat uneventful and brought us
both a little closer to God. We had three episodes of almost plummeting off a
mountainside as we tried to avoid the local buses careening down the road at top
speeds. Someone must have told them that their brakes were located on their
steering wheels. Each time they reached a hairpin corner, they would turn with
one hand and hold their horn down with the other, their speed remaining constant
throughout. It was a crazy mixture of fast moving metal, no guardrails and a
road the width of a Band-Aid.
We had rented an All-Terrain Vehicle, but not in the hopes of doing any real
‘Vehicling’ (my word) over any (much less ALL) types of terrain. We did not plan
our wanderings to take us over any portion of the outside world other than that
which was paved, shellacked or veneered for our protection. The closest I had
been to ‘nature’ over the last three weeks was when forced to peel my own
banana. Recent memory sadly reminded me that my contact with wildlife tended to
hover around encounters with a stray cat, a feeble-minded grasshopper and a
brief interlude with a neighbor’s car that had a squeaky fan belt.
The reasons we rented an ‘All-Terrain Vehicle’ was that I wanted to be able to
look into other people’s cars as we passed them by (this was apparently
something that excited only me). We also wanted to ensure that we would stand a
better chance of surviving any unfortunate auto collisions with other
All-Terrain Vehicles. Most importantly, we liked knowing we would have a place
to lie down, should we find ourselves lost, broken, evicted or just feeling a
little bit carsick.
The next morning we found ourselves aimlessly barreling down paved roads,
whipping by Spanish-looking towns and for the most part, pointing, gasping and
swerving our way throughout the rest of the afternoon. Suddenly, to our
amusement, we found ourselves in a farmland area that looked like an
over-advertised commune for cows. As a milk and cheese lover, I was very
excited. Oddly enough, so many thousands of cows caused the air to smell a lot
like cowshit, go figure.
Jesse was happy to be amongst our grazing friends, but as a lover of the cheese,
I was mildly disappointed at the marketing opportunities the local merchants
chose not to embrace. I think, perhaps, a chance to drive through acres of cows
and then stumbling upon a quaint, roadside stand offering me a tasty sample of
their delectable cheese creations would have sufficed. To me, cheese is like a
vegetable, but without all the hassles of having to peel, boil, shred or shuck.
Cheese makes everything better. I like to have cheese put on my cheese – it is
just that good.
Many cows later, I decided that perhaps we should pull over and pay our
respects. It was time to thank the bovines of Gran Canaria for the joy they
bring to my palate.
We eased our ‘All-Terrain Vehicle’ to the side of a deserted roadway. To our
right was a cluster of cows. A bevy of cheese-makers, rather close to the
highway, but still far enough back to portray a sense of mystery and aloofness.
I neared the small wire fence and made the expected moo-ing sounds. I wanted to
let them know that I was not only their friend, but also wanted to set the
groundwork for any future communications.
Eventually I felt that the wire fence separating me from these cows was not only
a physical barrier, but also a spiritual one. Since there was not a person, car
or farmhouse within eyeshot, I speedily hopped over the fence and headed toward
my newfound friends.
I spread my arms wide to add an appearance of girth and to show I was not
carrying any weaponry. I mooed, paused, took a step then mooed again. The thirty
or so cows watched me carefully. Some with interest, some with pity, two chewing
something and one suffering from some kind of disgusting saliva issue.
Finally a cream-colored cow rose and stared in my direction. I gave it an
especially loud moo. It answered with an exhaling of air through its nostrils. I
felt that this was a huge leap forward for us.
Suddenly another cow stood, then another and finally all but two were standing,
somewhat in a row, facing in my direction. I mooed and they stared. I waved my
arms and two of them fled. The rest were as still as statues, watching me,
wondering what I would do next.
Then, the cream-colored one took a half step in my direction. She again exhaled
through her nostrils and even gave the ground in front of her a little scrape
with her foot. I was exhilarated. I felt like Jane Goodall, but with cows
instead of monkeys, and without the dread of having to sleep in bamboo hut for
the next 27 years.
Then, from somewhere behind me, I heard Jesse say in a very soft voice.
I will admit I had not, as of yet, looked at their underneath areas (but this
was more out of a sense of respect than anything else). I glanced at the bottom
side of the cream one and noticed that there did appear to be an absence of
udder-like protrusions. In their stead, what I did see was what a bad Romance
writer would refer to as a ‘Sturdy Manhood Part.’
I somehow got out the words “Bulls!” and “Oh Shit!” in the same breath. I
laughed nervously, made a couple of courteous Japanese-styled bows in their
general direction and proceeded to put as much distance between thirty bulls and
myself as possible.
Over the fence and into the ‘All-Terrain Vehicle’, I shouted, ‘DRIVE!”
Our road trip was soon over as we limped back to our temporary, beachfront home.
It did take a couple of weeks before I could eat cheese comfortably, and even
longer before I could get up the nerve to moo at cows on the side of the road,
but eventually, it has all worked out.
The one thing I did learn though (a lesson that would work well with both
humans and animals), is that one should always check to see what is down below,
before making any sort of emotional commitments.