The Idiot’s Guide to Good Transport in Guatemala
Guatemala
Experiencing the wonders of public transport in Guatemala is inseparable from the experience of Guatemala itself. One without the other is like eating beans without the corn tortillas. If you never find yourself cramped between farmers with machetes, sacks of vegetables and nursing mothers with their five other small children in the sticky afternoon heat on a chicken bus meant for a third of its current passengers, then you’ve missed a turn somewhere on your trip. And because the country is so vast and you are unlikely to see all those beautiful places you’ve spent weeks circling on your map without moving your backside to get there, chances are you will have encountered at least one or two of the charming modes of transport that characterize this colorful nation.
As in most other Central American countries, you will soon discover that the comfort of the passenger tends to take second place (or third, or fourth) to the speed of the vehicle and the ever-increasing number of paying customers in it. Personal safety doesn’t usually figure on the list at all, but fear not, between avoiding oncoming traffic while overtaking on impossible curves and narrowly missing the sides of deadly ravines, Guatemalan drivers seem to have a uncanny ability to get people to their destinations unscathed against all logical odds. You might not be breathing anymore from the shock, but if you take a moment to notice, you will be the only flustered element on the bus. So take your cue from everybody else, relax, get yourself a seat by an open window (which doubles up as an escape hatch in case of emergency), and take in the view. Let me guide you through some of Guatemala’s most idiosyncratic rides, and keep breathing while you’re at it.
The chicken bus is one of Guatemala’s most enduring (and endearing) features. Often imaginatively painted and labeled with comical or religious expressions that speak to the driver’s own superstitions, it is the surest way to see the country, although you have to be prepared to share your space with people, chickens, as well as a host of other animals and agricultural products. Throw your claustrophobia out the window, ignore the occasional staring on the part of your neighbors and the stench of the sweating crowd enveloping you and you’ll be fine. The fact that some bus drivers seem to go out of their way to turn a curve on the wrong side of the road is nothing to get worked up about. Remember, they are chosen by God to negotiate these roads.
Tip: make sure you’re either close enough to the front or close enough to the back of the bus to be able to squeeze through the crowd swiftly enough to leap out when you need to. Don’t be shy to ask where you are in case of doubt and try to have the right change on you. This applies to all situations, of course.
An alternative to this common means of getting about is the mini van. Don’t be deceived. Although many of these are used exclusively by tourists to hop from one popular destination to the next, plenty of other mini vans do the less conventional routes, and they’re run by Guatemalans for Guatemalans, so if you think the level of overcrowding in the bigger public buses was bad, think again. At first, it will be surprising how foreign the mini bus driver’s conception of personal space will be to yours and everything you’ve known, but with a little optimism you too will see that seven people rather than four can fit in the front aisle and that you even can add another two or three if they’re small and they stand. It’s all about perspective. Besides, if the mini van is not packed to its utmost physical limit, it won’t go anywhere, so you better hope that you’re cramped. The good part is that you get to your destination faster.
Tip: Don’t get ripped off.
Boats are an altogether different way of seeing a country. In the case of Guatemala, they are a means of crossing its gigantic lakes and exploring remote villages accessible only via water. Most of the time you can sit back and immerse yourself in the incomparable sight of an expanse of silver-colored lake surrounded by endless ridges of mountains and volcanoes. Other times, however, hold on to your hat because if the wind doesn’t favor you this idyllic ride makes for an extremely bumpy, spine-shrinking odyssey. Don’t be distracted by the sudden violent jolts and the growing soreness, though, as there is much to appreciate on your trip.
Tip: grab a life jacket and sit yourself down on it when the going gets rough (it could also save your skin in the worse case scenario) and whatever you do, avoid the bow area
.
It’s hard to say the same thing about airplanes, but there is plenty else to talk about, particularly if we are reminded that if you want to get to remote places like Tikal and you can’t endure the thought of the twenty-four hour bus ride, you will invariably turn to one of the propeller planes that crank their way up north several times a day. Several words of warning: you will probably find yourself in a hangar that is optimistically referred to as a ‘terminal’ while waiting for your flight, and you will no doubt notice that the craft you are boarding is of ex-Soviet origin, and that the exit signs are labeled in Russian. Worry not, as the structure of the plane is generally quite sturdy (or else it would not have lasted thirty odd years), particularly once it’s up in the air. If you truly start panicking, reading the boarding card is guaranteed to take your mind off the cracks that you’ve just spotted above your head. Take comfort from the airline card’s assurances that its pilots undergo regular medical examinations and that you are flying the most modern of equipment, and peer out into the beautiful vast jungle beneath you.
Tip: Sit next to someone you love.
If this information has not persuaded you to appreciate the uniqueness of Guatemalan transport, then you’re a lost case. You might still be breathing, but you’ve missed an entire other world of cultural stimulation.
Tip: Do yourself a favor and pick up a bicycle.