The Buddha’s Striptease #4

Worries? We don’t need no STINKIN’ worries!

Almost Homeless


When we last saw our intrepid traveler, he was stranded in Tennant Creek (TC) awaiting a new engine in Eve, our 1987 Ford Falcon. We were towed back to TC on Tuesday night and original estimates were that it needed a new engine and it would take two days and AU$1,200 of Tony’s budget. Well, Thursday came and went and no car – and Thursday is a no drink day in the Northern Territory and I was jonesin’ for a beer.

I asked the woman at the caravan park where we were staying why Thursday was a dry day and not something more understandable, like say, oh, Sunday. She said it was for people who received unemployment payments on Thursday so that their wives could use some of the money to buy food before their husbands drank it away (it is always us men who are the bastards).

She then asked me: “Do you know what NT stands for?”

I replied sheepishly, expecting this was a trick question: “UhmÂ…. Northern Territory?”

She said: “No. It stands for ‘Not Thursday’ or ‘Not Today’ or ‘Not Tomorrow’”

Well our car wasn’t ready on Thursday (nor Friday either), so the NT lived up to its moniker (No! My dear New Yorker friends, ‘moniker’ means ‘title’, not some girl named ‘Monika’).

I was going stir crazy. TC is (er, how shall I say it?) NOT a tourist mecca. It is only really used as an overnight stop for travelers stopping off on their way to Darwin or Alice Springs. There is a Midnight Oil song in there. And believe me I know every Midnight Oil song backwards and forwards. Our CD adapter broke for the cassette player so we are forced to listen to the same three cassettes and Midnight Oil is my favorite of lot. But if I have to listen much longer, I will go batty. When our radio completely broke for an afternoon, we were forced to entertain ourselves with renditions of “American Pie” and Queen’s “Bohemian Rapsody”. I don’t think will get a recording contract or anything.

On our fourth night in TC, we decided to BBQ. We met up with a friend we met the on the first night and used the barbie. There were a few other people there at the picnic table near the barbie and the next thing I heard our friend say to this one guy: “No, don’t light fireworks in the caravan park! If you do, the owner will go mental.”

Well, this guy with the fireworks was a few bricks shy of a full load and decided to light the firework anyway. What happened? A few minutes later the owner comes marching up to where we were eating our barbie dinner. The owner said in a voice that would leave babies crying for weeks: “OK, guys. Who is going to tell me who lit the firework?”

This was not a query but rather a life threatening demand. We sat there in stone silence. I thought, Oh great I am back in high school and no one is going to tell for fear of being labeled a ’snitch’. I am thinking: Hey, I am on a Buddhist quest here. Truth should be no big thing. Truth just is. But if I tell, then there will be another strike on the Yank Scorecard in Oz. As I sat there having an inner dialogue with myself, the owner, after slamming his metal flashlight full on in the metal pole, asked again: “Let me ask this again and if I don’t get an answer you are all out here at 10pm”.

I am thinking: Shite. We have nowhere to go. Our car is in the shop. We would have to schlep a whole hell of a lot of stuff at 9pm through God knows where to God knows where. I am also thinking that the guy who lit the firework should do the right thing and admit his wrongdoing. But did he?? Noooooo! Then the owner said: “OK guys, if that is the way you want to play it (i.e. mute), then you are all out here at 10pm and I am calling the cops now.”

Then the owner leaves and the firework-lighting-few-shy-bricks-guy says to us: “OK, this is what will sayÂ…I will say I sat the firework on the ground but didn’t know who lit it”. I am about to throttle this guy. I just wanted him to do what was right and just completely admit his mistake. I got disgusted and went back to the bunkhouse where I was staying hoping that the whole thing would just blow over.

End of Fear

My traveling companions come to me about a half hour later, saying the guy who lit the firework is now threatening anybody who rats him out will be hunted down and their respective tents or trailers will be burnt to the ground. This guy should be a goodwill ambassador for Iraq. As my friends are telling me this, the owner comes by where we were staying and yells in an angry voice: “You guys! Out by 10pm!!”

I am at the end of my rope here. I said to my friends, “Bullshit! I am not being kicked out of here in the middle of the night and having to carry 10 tons of stuff to God knows where. I am going to talk to the owner.”

My friends told me not to do this since they were privy to this Brickless guy’s previous statement of threatened arson. But I was fearless. I marched up to the owner and said, “Hey. Me mates and I have been here for four days and don’t cause any trouble. I honestly don’t know who lit the firework (I know! I should have ratted the a-hole out!). We don’t know any of those people involved except one person. We just wanted to have a quiet meal and shared a bench with those other guys. We just want to stay here until our car is repaired.”

The owner calmed down a bit and somewhat apologized and said we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Alas, fear not, weary travelers!

Alice Ho!

On our fifth day in Tennant Creek, I honestly thought if I didn’t get out of TC, I would implode. We finally got Eve up and running at 4pm and the Three T’s (as we dubbed ourselves Â….Tony, Tristan and ToddÂ….) just hurriedly loaded stuff in the car and made like a bat out of hell in the direction of Alice. We didn’t care that it was almost sunset, we just wanted out! Even if we made it only to the edge of town that would be ok.

UFO Highway

Wycliffe Well

We were silent (and I think we were all holding our breath) until we passed the point where we originally broke down. We stopped about a mile from our initial Trouble (with a capital T) at Wycliffe Well, also known as UFO capital of Australia. A trip and a half! We found out where we broke down is known as UFO highway and many, many travelers drop engines along the highway. Yes, Ripley, Believe it or Not!

New Year’s Eve Celebrations (aka, Hangover in the Outback)

That night we made it Barrow Creek at around 8:30pm. I went in to ask at the Pub how much camping would be for the evening and the bartender replied: “Smile and it’s free”. I was going to like this place. It had a great homey feel and even though everybody was eighteen (or as the Aussies say: ate-deen) sheets to the wind, there was not an angry drunk to be seen among the lot.

Mickey’s new home in Barrow Creek. (Pic lower left hand corner)

We went into the pub and I was just loving it. The pub had mementos on every inch of the walls from previous travelers. I was so inspired by this place that I parted with something that has been with me going on a good 9 years now, I reckon (again I hold on to things that have sentimental value for me – but the Buddha in me has no attachments now!). I gave the bartender my Mickey Mouse California Drivers License. I loved this thing: it has gotten me out of a few speeding tickets because cops laughed when I handed my license and the photo shining back on the cop was of Mickey smiling his friendliest smile on earth.

I had a few beers because they were celebrating New Year’s Eve that night (yep, it’s still July down here). The week before it was Christmas. I assume the following week they will be celebrating ANZAC Day. We played in the local dart tournament. Even though I was in the process of joining my fellow barmates in the sheet/wind category, I did surprisingly well for someone who only played once before. The other two T’s dragged me out around 1am due to an early departure to Ayers Rock. Aw, common guys! Just one more beer!

I awoke with a massive hangover and a bad attitude (and yes, I praised the porcelain God a few times). The other two T’s would ask me from time to time how I was doing. And I, curled up on the back seat and deep in the depths of my beach towel (lovin’ that beach towel), responded with a few choice “Eff off’s” and/or some equally vitriolic comment about their mothers. I was just one bright ray of Irish sunshine that morning.

Murder in the Outback

As we headed out of Barrow Creek that morning, we saw a few policemen at the pub. We thought some patron got a bit out of hand but soon heard on the news that that night about 5 miles from Barrow Creek, a British tourist was possibly murdered (they still haven’t found the body but his girlfriend said she heard a shot) and the other one (the assumed dead Englishman’s girlfriend) was kidnapped for a few hours before escaping and making her way to the Barrow Creek pub early that morning.

The killer is still at large in the NT. We were stopped by heavily armed policemen (we are talking machine guns. It was a tad surreal) before arriving in Alice. They asked us if we saw anything the night before. All I could do was moan in the back while the other two T’s responded to the policemen’s questions. They allowed no northern bound traffic from Alice for a full day.

We read the papers and saw the TV coverage and felt a creepy sense of being so close to something so heinous and also a sense of belonging at seeing our friendly publican and waitress interviewed on the evening telly.

Re-learning the English Language

Me English mates love taking the piss out of me (as they so coloUrfully say) about my usage of their mother tongue. I scored early points in the US vs. UK Proper Usage Tournament (PUT) of the English language when I astutely pointed out that Northern Territory is not pronounced ‘Terri-TREE’ but rather correctly pronounced ‘Terri-TORY’. I backed the claim up by saying that Maggie Thatcher was not the leader of the ‘TREE’ party but rather the ‘TORY’ party. They silently acknowledged my early lead.

I tend to be a mimic of the people around me and soon found myself saying ‘boot’ for ‘trunk’; however, I refused to say ‘bonnet’ for ‘hood’. Bonnet is such a prissy girl word. I did adopt ‘Cheers, mate’ instead of saying ‘thank you’ and wholeheartedly adopted the brilliant Aussie phrase of ‘No worries, mate’. Please all American readers! adopt this phrase into your daily speech. Use it often and an Aussie accent wouldn’t hurt either. I did start to use ‘I reckon’ for ‘I guess’. I did have an initial avoidance to ‘I reckon’ because it sounds like something the inbred Southerners in the US would say (hey I can say that! I have some white trash lineage to the South: ‘I am gonna make you squeal like a pig, boy!’).

I then decided to take the piss out me English mates and just use American words that would obviously piss them off (they hate when I said ‘pissed’ because that refers to their state after a hard night’s drinking in the local pub). After an extended use of Americanisms, they would just tell me to “Shut up, you ‘effin Yank!”

Red, Red Go Away, Come Back Some Other Day!

We made a quick stop in Alice to buy some food and to finally purchase me that elusive sleeping bag and tent. I am a true bushman now! I’m glad I met up with people who are camping. It is the only way to see the real Australia. You meet great people and get a feel for the land (I seem to put my tent up on every rock in the NT), more than I would get by spending it in a backpackers or a cheap motel. An added bonus is that I am saving money and since I just checked my credit card and saw all the charges I incurred driving across the US and in Hawaii, I need to save every dollar.

Todd City

Alice is a small town. I thought it would be much bigger. But it is a town made for me. There are ‘Todd’ signs all over the place. Todd Mall, Todd St., Todd River, etc. The last name of an early explorer of The Alice was Todd. A fine lad, I am sure he was!

We left Alice that afternoon and I was feeling a wee bit better from the night before and my bad attitude was finally lifting. Never again, will you tempt me, you wicked ale temptress! Well, at least not in this travelogue.

We made it to Ayers Rock around sunset. The weather was overcast and it rained the day before. We, the rugged Bushmen of the NT (pronounced with a ‘tory’ ending), set up camp that night amongst the red mud and dreary skies. We set our alarm for a 6am wake up call to see the sunrise. I was not a happy camper to get up so early and have it raining also. Plus it was freezing. But I was happy to be at Ayers Rock and not Tennant Creek. We lined up at the sunrise viewing area with a few hundred other tourists to see this magnificent view…

Ayers Rock is back there somewhere

Yes, gray instead of a glowing red. But as you see, the glowing red moved from the rock down to the ground in a liquid form. The weather held off rain for the majority of the day so we hiked the Olgas, which is an equally as impressive rock formation near Ayers Rock (and no I wouldn’t have climbed Ayers if the weather were nicer. The Aborigines don’t like people to climb it – they consider it sacred. Definitely bad karma to climb the Rock!). The Olgas (or, as I thought they were first called after hearing Tony pronounce it in his English Midlands accent, the ‘Ole Girls’) are beautiful and peaceful.

The Three T’s with the Olgas (Ole Girls) in the background

That night back at the campground, it started to rain. I mean rain. In our Lonely Planet they say Alice and Ayers Rock usually receive nil in the rain category this time of year.

A sign on Eve’s window stating ‘Cold HELP’ left by a weary and frigid traveler.

Well, update your books! It does rain and rain and rain and rain and rain. Our campsite turned into a field of red mud. We just slushed through huge red rivers of gloop. And it was freezing! I had on three shirts, my hooded sweater (as pictured above) and my windcheater. Plus three pairs of trousers and two pairs of socks. Man, this striptease is becoming harder and harder to decide what will be the next to go. Everything could be lifesaving.

The third day delivered more of the wet redness. I was no longer just cold but miserable and wee bit cranky. I had to leave dinner early that night because I was about to lose it, in the emotional sense. I apologized to the other T’s saying I was not the best of company that night and went to a muddy, restless sleep.

Rain pouring off Ayers Rock. Beautiful sight and I reckon we should count ourselves fortunate because it is a sight not many travelers see. ‘Always look on the bright side of life!’

We finally gave up the ghost of seeing any kind of sunshine on Ayers Rock on our fourth day and headed back to Alice.

We did see a dingo on our way back and stopped to take some pics of her. She looked just like someone’s lost pet. She stayed by our car and looked at us curiously. Being a huge dog lover, I really wanted to get out and pet her tummy and give her some kibble but Aussies are, rightfully so, very strict about feeding wildlife. Fines are not unusual.

We limped back to Alice. Yes, Eve was giving us problems again. We thought Eve would be a good name for a car since she is the Mother of mankind but she has been the other variety of mutha to us. We dropped Tristan off at the bus station so he could make it back to Cairns to watch a rugby match of some his mates from England. Again I was sad to see him go because he was definitely the optimist and the humor (no ‘u’) of the group. And then there were two.

Final Words

Due to weather conditions beyond my control, no items were stripteased along this trip, outside the Mickey Mouse drivers license in Barrow Creek. But keep those votes coming! A suggestion for my readers would be my overabundance of undies and socks. Although, as a reader made clear earlier, they are usually the last to go in any good striptease, but with me experiencing four seasons in one day (there is a good Crowded House song in there) that is my safest bet right now.

I look back on this part of trip and see that I have been traveling for about a month now and have only just seen a fraction of this great continent. I was planning on doing it in 2-3 months but that looks like it won’t be possible unless I skip a big chunk of it. But I want to see it all! Oz and its people are great! Even with all the problems we had in this travelogue, I give it a huge thumbs up! Always, I say, always, look on the bright side of life! It is all good, even the bad! No worries, mate!

Stay tuned for the next installment which will include: ‘Tennant Creek Revisited’, ‘Yanks, I hardly see thee’, ‘You call cricket a sport!?’, ‘Paul Hogan is a Wimp’ and ‘Civilization Ho!’