Around the Top in 80 days
GIRLFRIEND/GIRLY/WOMAN played by Fiona
BOYFRIEND/BEAU/PARTNER/MAN played by Michael
Current Destination: Jane Rowe’s House
Time and Date of Departure: 15th of July, 1:00am
Future Destination: Yardie Creek
Crazy, wild man from Borneo insists on driving through the night so that he can surf at first light.
3:00 a.m. Man and woman tripping out at high beams eerily glowing through the fog. Both feel as if submergedvin the twilight zone. Girlfriend asks for forth time whether her beau is tired. Beau gets cranky saying that girlfriend’s insistent questioning about state of awakeness will make him tired.
4:30 a.m. The Thermos of Superpowered coffee and four pieces of mouth/arse burner pizza later boyfriend admits defeat. Must close eyes. They pull over on the side of the road. Neck, arms and legs in unnatural positions fall into momentary bliss of sleep.
6:30 a.m. Wake up, freezing bloody cold. Girlfriend wants heater on. Off they go, lovely sunrise seen through grit laden eyes. Stop at big petrol stations, sleepy backpackers, buses and trucks. Let’s finish off that pizza. Two coffees-cheapo nescafe in styrofoam cups. Yucko. Canarvan, flat and boring. On the way to coral Bay. Pass by turn off to Coral Bay. How long to go now?? Back aching.
1:00 p.m. They hit the gravel road, dips on a reddy-orange roller coaster. Occasional glimpses of a sparkling blue ocean. Girlfriend becomes Gate Girl.
Out she gets, opens the gate watching the beast and make-shift home amble through. Closes gate woman tries to run back to car before boyfriend takes off. She’s eager to adjust clothing so tummy is not hanging out.
2:00 p.m. Finally the turn off. The words “That’s definitely it” strike joy into girlfriends’ heart. Looks like a beautiful spot. Her heart begins to dip at sight of boggy sand. Girlfriend remembers boyfriends mantra. ‘This car never gets bogged.’ Girlfriend suggests leaving the campertrailer here Boyfriend says “Nah, *#%& it!!” driving through the sand car and trailer doing well. That is until the excessively boggy part. Car makes lots of aggressive noises as it digs itself and the trailer towards the centre of the earth.
3:00 p.m. Friendly campers stick their heads out to offer some assistance. Boyfriend battles ferociously dragging beast and home out of the grave. “Only took a few minutes,” he says with a smile. “Hmmm,” says girlfriend not knowing quite what to say.
3:30 p.m. Both agree on a lovely spot with million dollar views, right on the ocean. Only one problemo..must reverse camper trailer through boggy sand. Already discovered trailer does have mind of it’s own. Hence forth..bogged number two.
Girlfriend hopelessly looks on watching the jackknifing of car and home. Followed by boyfriends’ frenzied sweaty dance. Must get out of way of noisy car and cranky partner. Wanting to help she begins digging around the wheel. She then puts a plank of wood down. Feeling satisfied that she has done her bit she smiles to herself.
4:00 p.m. Boyfriends’ mates rock up in dinghy on ocean. VC and Goeff. VC laughs merrily. Boyfriend defuses, help is at hand.
5:00 p.m. They set up the camper trailer next to friends. Not as easy as they thought. No surfing or fishing today. “But wait,” says boyfriend. “Let’s go get some squid.” An eager trio, (girlfriend excluded) jump into the dinghy. She just wants a drink, something alcoholic. She climbs up the nearby dune. Beautiful view, panoramic, sparkling blue ocean with a setting sun. Girlfriend with her million flies sits relaxed enjoying being still.
6:00 p.m. Victoriously the boys return. “6 Squid!!” Yummy dinner tonight. Cracking open a bottle of champers the couple have a moment, a look, a kiss, excitement of what is to come.
8:30 p.m. After a squid feast and good company the woman retires. Must sleep. Boyfriend is too excited to sleep.
10:30 p.m. Boyfriend climbs into bed. Wants a cuddle. Is rejected. He’s too bloody cold.
Date: 16th of July
Location: Yardie Creek
6:20 a.m. Boyfriend is out of bed eager to surf. Girlfriend wants to sleep in.
10:00 a.m. Trio, surfboards and fishing gear drive into the horizon for a day of action packed fun. girlfriend wants to make home nice and begins to sort, stopping for the occasional snack and read of New Woman. Girlfriend is delighted with the free gift that came with the mag. A bright green scarf. Very trendy. Will certainly not become a bushwhacked dag with that around.
12:00 p.m. Has a little nap. Wakes up with a fright. Hoping she hasn’t wasted too much of her day. No toilets in the vicinity must do first outdoor poo. Oh No! Where to go.
Preferably, over the hills and far away. Not too many people or animals about. She digs a hole. She does what she has to do. With horror she watches the flies do what they do. “Bloody disgusting.” Not keen to repeat the experience in a hurry girlfriend reminds herself not to eat too much licorice or chilli.
1:00 p.m. Time for a swim. The beach is isolated. Nothing but blue and green beauty. Some trick of nature makes girlfriend feel beautiful. She strips down to her white bikini (which she was only going to wear if she weighed under 70k g.) but sometimes exceptions can be made. Gloriously she walks along the waters edge feeling as free as a bird. In she goes one excruciating millimetre at a time. Bloody freezing. Final quick submersion and ahh feeling lovely. She goes for a paddle. Looks up and sees a dinghy heading in. Joy turns to panic at the thought of the Trio seeing very white girlfriend in ‘now’ see through bikinis. Out she jumps with a “wobble, wobble here and a wobble, wobble there”. Dinghy drives past. A sigh of relief. Not the trio. Time for a walk.
2:30 p.m. In they come. VC has caught a yellow fin tuna. Boyfriend sees girlfriend will burn and painstakingly puts the Campers’ annex up whilst VC cuts off fillets. Boyfriend then whips up a marinade for the fish. He passes raw fish to girly. “Raw fish, raw fish” Girlfriend feels squeamish and is not sure. Knowing that she has little choice she pops it into her mouth. “MMMMM divine!” Very yummy. Everyone has lunch, trio are knackered but surf is up.
4:00 p.m. Out they go again. Girlfriend cleans the dishes and begins book on Katherine Hepburn. She is inspired by her independent spirit and fun personality. How did she manage to be so successful in her career and what of her mysterious relationship with Spencer Tracy?
5:30 p.m. Light dims. Too dark to read. Girlfriend and her company of a million flies walk up the dunes with a stones and ginger wine and her mobile phone. Texting Jane and her mum she speaks of the beauty that surrounds her. Once again the setting sun. For a moment she wishes boyfriend was here to share it with her.
6:ish p.m. The sun disappears. The lamp needs to be on. The boys are still out. The new lamp only lasts ten minutes. That’s strange she thinks. She looks a the base. It is all scuffed up and does not look like a new lamp at all. Maybe trio number three has swapped the lamps. A CONSPIRACY? He has the exact same lamp.
It’s black, the trio are missing. Maybe they were floating out to sea because their dinghy had been devastated by a king wave? Maybe she should do something? Call Sea and rescue? She walks down the beach and hears the dinghy. In they come. Girlfriend tells boyfriend of conspiracy. Boyfriend laughs and thinks his partner is a can short of a six pack. Girlfriend begins to think she is five cans short of a six pack.
Later: Girlfriend talks to Trio number three also known as Goeff. Something unusual about him but not likely to switch lamps.
Sausage, tuna and red wine for dinner. Tasty! Trio are knackered, girlfriend feels fine. Sleep a comfy option all the same. Boyfriend agrees.
In bed he suggests that Goeff is actually Pat Rafters brother. “Patty Cakes, Tennis spunk extraordinaire’s brother.” girlfriend thinks, “I knew there was something different about that guy.” Well, being a tennis pros brother from a good catholic family certainly makes girlfriend feel a bit sheepish about thinking he was a lamp theif.
The base of the lamp must have been scuffed on the sand at the back of the car.
Alas girlfriend is losin’ it!
Date: 17th of July
Location: Yardie Creek
Lazy beginning. Wind is up. Boyfriend is sore and groggy, unusually slow to get moving. “Surf’s up you mutes!” challenges VC. Muesli for brekky and off they go. The happy trio searching for barrels. Girlfriend decides to begin her diary.
Unfortunately the time to poo is here again. OH No! the boys were discussing the marvels of Aqua Turds. Time for a new experience.
No detail is necessary, only that there were no flies. Regardless, the experience was more traumatising than the original toileting experience in the dunes.
Girlfriend has quickly learnt that the good ol’ toilet invention by Mr Crapper has in the past been seriously taken for granted. Never again…
Lunch is bacon and eggs, dinner is tuna and spuds cooked inthe fire. VC and goeff split their remaining bottle of beer. Girlfriend is tipsy, three glasses of red wine. Bedtime again.
Date: 18th of July
Location: Yardie Creek
Windy, sand everywhere. Empty bottles and sandy containers mark the landscape. Boyfriend gets up, begins fixing his fishing reel. Girlfriend requests coffee and is swiftly rejected. She gets up looks at the dirty dishes and decides katherine Hepburn is more enticing than a cup of coffee. Back to bed to read.
VC and Goeff head off on an Exmouth mission. Beer must be bought. It’s VC’s birthday tomorrow. Tequila is on order. “Oh oh!” Boyfriend says “I don’t want to get written off.”
Windy weather and lack of surf buds deters boyfriend from surfing. “Let’s go looking for oysters.” The cosy couple drive around the corner, another bay, another lot of campers and most importantly heaps of oysters.
Girlfriend becomes bucket girl. Chipping away they fill half a bucket. Tasty treats tonight.
Beau is relaxed and only wants to read. Eventually the lure of the ocean is too strong. Fishing mission.
Girlfriend goes for a walk. A large collection of varied shells. No fish, looks like snaggers, oysters and rice.
Good conversation, hot meaty oysters with lemon and tobasco sauce. Taste sensation.
11:00 p.m. Bedtime.