July 2000 – London, England

British Television: A Sight Not to be Missed

Speaking as a North American, I was quite surprised when I moved to the UK and became a couch potato on this side of the Atlantic. It turns out British television is not the sophisticated programming PBS would have us all believe.

To be fair, there are excellent wildlife programmes, and some great home decorating/gardening shows. But generally speaking English television offers more of an interesting insight into the local culture and some general titillation rather than good quality entertainment.

I’ll start with the least interesting and work up to the good stuff. Don’t worry if the examples shown don’t pique your interests, there are so many of these shows there’s bound to be one you’ll want to see. And don’t worry about feeling guilty watching them (as I used to), think of it as a cultural exchange.

Background

The Channels
There are 5 regular channels, aptly named (BBC)1, (BBC)2, Channel 3, Channel 4 and Channel 5. If your hotel room has a paid service, you will also pick up SKY1 as well as several channels that are specialist and/or re-run channels. Obviously the BBC channels are slightly more sophisticated than the other three, but they too have their fair share of these shows – they just dress them up a little better.

The Times
Perhaps the most incomprehensible fact about English television is that they just start shows when it’s good for them, not necessarily the viewer; i.e. at any five minute slot after the hour, not just on the hour and half-hour.

This means that if there are two programmes you want to watch, one may start at 7pm and run to 7:30, and the second one may start at 7:20 and run to 8:05. You therefore half to miss the last 10 minutes of the first programme, or the first 10 of the second programme.

Another perplexing fact is that shows will run for awhile, then stop, then be on again, then change time slots, then stop again. It makes it hard for couch potatoes to settle in, and makes viewing, as Forest Gump would say, “Like a box of chocolates”.

The Nudity
Downright shocking to an innocent Canadian girl, English television seems to allow (later in the evening) anything to be shown with the exception of a stiff man and a spread-eagled woman. For those interested, channel 5 shows soft porn every Thursday night.

The Game Show
Each show in this genre has its own topic (ie: music, politics, TV, sports). It puts
teams of two or three English celebrities against each other and asks them questions on
the topic. The object is not to win, but to have fun and joke around in the process.
While these shows are quite hilarious to the local inhabitants, most of the
humour/references will go right over the visitors head.

The Docu-Soap
These are more of a “we need something really cheap to fill this time slot” than a serious look at anything worthwhile. Although plentiful, most are probably are not of much interest to the tourist. The genre ranges from quasi highbrow to middle of the road to downright seedy. For example:

Quasi highbrow
Animal Hospital – Watch the Vet in action, for some reason always shown at dinnertime.

Middle of the road
Airport – Behind the scenes at various airports. Watch some poor airline rep try to calm down angry passengers whose flight has been delayed while trying to look nice for the camera.

Downright seedy
Pleasure Island – described in the TV guide as a “docu-soap following revellers at Hedonism II in Jamaica.” This week’s episode featured a saggy couple complaining because they weren’t allowed to have sex in the hot tub, and combated this rule by getting other hot tub users in on the action.

The Fly-on-the-Wall Shows
It’s exactly as it sounds, let’s stick some people in a situation, put a camera on them and see what happens. As a foreigner, it is very interesting to watch, a sort of behind the scenes insight into the local culture most English wouldn’t want us to know about. Again, this genre ranges from quasi highbrow to middle of the road to downright seedy. For example:

Quasi highbrow
The 1900 House:
1) Stick a family in a house equipped as a house in the year 1900 for three months (forget missing electronic goods, they had to make their own feminine napkins!).
2) See if they go insane.
The series proved so successful, they apparently made an American version.

Middle of the road
Shipwrecked:
1) Stick 20 or so young people (equally split between male & female) on an uninhabited Island in the South Pacific with only rice and condoms as supplies, plus a couple of live pigs.
2) Laugh as the people, who are from one of the most urban countries in the world, try to survive. It’s especially funny when they kill one of the pigs.
3) Forget the survival lessons, see if they survive each other.

Downright seedy
The Villa:
1) Computer match three couples, but don’t tell them who they’re paired with.
2) Stick them in a Spanish Villa and see if they figure out who they’re matched to.
3) Hope the hidden cameras pick up lots of juicy stuff.

Regular Programmes
This category varies greatly. For simplicity’s sake, the following are the really interesting ones.

Blind Date
With Cilla Black, the undisputed queen of English TV. It’s basically just “The Dating Game”, but the “say what you really thought of your date” follow-up interviews and Cilla’s “I can’t believe she just said that” quips makes it one of my favorite English shows. Usually on Saturday evenings on channel 3.

Stars in Their Eyes
Everyday people are transformed into their favorite stars and sing one of their hits. Usually follows Blind Date on channel 3.

Eurotrash
Hosted by Antoine, a real Frenchman with a camp French accent, this series scours Europe for stories that you would expect on a show called “Eurotrash”. Previous stories of note include nude Finnish farmers, German ‘bears’ on a picnic, a performance artist with vibrators as props, and an Italian eating festival.

Regular segments include Sister Bendy (a drag nun in search of unusual artwork) and for some reason a man dressed as a penguin. Each episode also brings a beautiful model/porn star to Antoine to sit on his lap/pump up a bicycle tire, etc at which point Antoine says his catchphrase “I think I have a stiffy”. Usually on Wednesday evenings on channel 4.

Yanky Panky
The same general idea as Eurotrash, except this one examines the US. It’s hosted by Tina the country singing drag queen from Tennessee. As an added bonus, each episode features line dancers from around the UK. Wednesday nights on Sky One.

American Sex
I guess Yanky Panky was so successful, the good people at Sky thought they’d take it one further. Sunday nights on Sky One.

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