You heard it here first, America – sex is back, and bigger than ever. We’ve snapped out of our binge on conservatism, (seriously, did they slip us a roofie or something?) and we now have a president who can dance, and if statistics mean anything, is packing more heat than any of his silver-haired forefathers. Be certain America, 2009 will be a return to our truer, looser selves, and it is my belief that we will witness the return of the great American one-night stand.
Once allied with sexual vagrants, the one-night stand has lost its sleazy strings and is now flaunted as a display of freedom and sexual prowess, and a prime marketing device for the condom industry’s advertising campaigns.
So step out of the gutters, you frolickers of now, and behold the best destinations for the perfect one-night stand.
1 – Obama Inauguration
Twenty-somethings who spent the fall registering voters and making phone calls, now ready for some steady money and/or summer internship opportunities, will be flocking to Washington D.C. to engorge their networks. Rest assured, future interns will do whatever it takes to get ahead on the hill, also known as the red light district capitol. Just show up and introduce yourself as "Representative so and so.” It might be wise to rent a limo if you can spare the change. It would add to the effect (not that you really need it) but more importantly, provide a well-needed place to "look over resumes and portfolios".
Plus you’ll meet all those youthful, optimistic types who are swarming Washington just to experience this historic moment. You don’t think they’re going to all want to "make history" with you?
And if you’re out for a more seasoned take on things, look no further than Washington politicians. What do you think they’re doing when they’re not politicking? To find out, just hang around lower-rung staff members, pages, and underage transgendered prostitutes.
Note: If you do nab a politician have your cell phone camera ready for future blackmail snapshots.
2 – Northern Michigan
Travelers heading "up north" can count on some action with the sturdy, forest folk of Northern Michigan–that is if you’re evil enough to fake it through the local marriage customs. Take the morning to put signs up in the local markets. The signs should let people know that you’re healthy, fertile, and ready to breed, and that you’re from "the city" (preferably NOT Canadian). Within a few hours you should get phone calls from eager suitors, ready and willing to get hitched and go the extra post-nuptial mile for a ride to "where the tall buildings are.”
After a ceremonial banquet of cabbage and boiled pig tails served with apples, suitors both male and female should expect to compete with the father of their new spouse in a game of oil wrestling. In these parts, it’s polite to lose the "ceremony of the flogging patriarch" on purpose, but not until after going for a few solid rounds of tumbling. Make sure to take a purifying bath in the nearest hot springs, scrubbing off any oil, body hair, or grime. Cross your fingers while reciting your vows, and then take your new spouse to the local honeymoon sweat lodge. Have yourself a wild time, but make sure you don’t let yourself pass out so you can slink out in the morning and hitch a jeep back to the city.
Note: This is probably not the best destination if you’re allergic to rabbit fur. It’s in a lot of the food.
3 – Wine Country
Something happens to people out in the wine country. It’s as if the social rules that once applied to them no longer have any meaning. (Like in Sideways, when the guy drinks from the jar of wine spit, or whatever that was.) Wine tasters are usually far from on their best behavior, making them perfect candidates for your next intoxicated squeal fest. Look out especially for vine junkies who go wine tasting alone. You’d be surprised how many there are. These people are probably drunk or lonely enough to just give it a go behind the wine barrels. Or you might find someone who needs to sober up before they can drive to the next vineyard. What better way than horizontally? In the back of a station wagon? Real wine drinkers will do anything and everything and be fine, as long as they’ve got a glass of wine swirling in their fingers. It somehow makes everything seem just a little bit classier.
Note: the folks who pour the wine are often the drunkest and horniest.
4 – Spring Break
Okay, this one’s not that hard to figure out. Americans flock to warm waters in spring for one reason, to mate. Spring Break is really just an agreement among the 18 to 25 bracket to meet for sex in the springtime somewhere warm. It’s no different from any other mammalian sex migration. Humpback whales do the same thing after all. It’s a warm-blooded instinct. So really, spring breaking is just following your natural, biological mandate.
You can’t miss the candidates, either. They’re as naked as possible within the law for as much of the day as possible. Look for the stringiest bathing suits and the most revealing club looks. This is a message after all, saying I’m practically ready now, all you’d have to do is move this tiny piece of fabric.
Note: Try to stay away from people who have turned bright pink from never wearing sun block – chances are they’re careless in other areas of their lives as well.
5 – Las Vegas, Nevada
I knew that one-night stands were coming back to full swing when I saw the first "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" ad. It’s ominous isn’t it? What exactly are they talking about?
Las Vegas, for years aiming for a family-friendly, almost Disney-like innocence, has finally hit its second puberty. The mobs are still out, but the sex force couldn’t be stronger. The trick with this one-night-stand challenge is to find gamblers, high rollers – people who risk a lot to win. Don’t mistake high-risk gamblers with the richest players necessarily, it’s the ones who really can’t afford to be risking so much, people who stand to lose the most, who are the real freaks.
You’ll want to look for who’s winning, red-faced with victory, and just smile a lot and make yourself available. If you’re mildly attractive and within reaching distance, the gambler’s going to do all the work for you. And if you’re nice, you’ll be able to hit the buffet line for free in the morning.
Note: As always with buffets, start with meats and desserts, and work your way backwards.
6 – Dutch Harbor, Alaska
Ladies looking for action who like seafood should report to Dutch Harbor, Alaska during the end of the crab season when crab fishermen return from port. This is the triumphant return of the tribal hunters after a long season of meat gathering. These men have been risking death and injury every day for the last 6 months, and they’re ready for a fresh meal and a romp in anything that’s not a hammock with anyone who’s not another crab fisherman.
Look for men who smell like crab and the b.o. of other men. Select the choicest sailors right off the dock, making sure to intercept them as early as possible to avoid any confrontations with eager girlfriends and wives. Shack up in an empty fishing boat for a night of guaranteed insanity. Don’t forget to indulge in some fresh seafood while you’re there. After a long, hard day at the docks, a hot bowl of crab bisque goes down real nice.
Note: Watch out for the other variety of crabs you can get at the docks.
7 – The Vortexes of Sedona, Arizona
Every year thousands of new-age spirit-questers flock to the desert to break in their new sandals while they hop through the vortexes of Sedona, AZ. The vortexes of Sedona have long been described as metaphysical hot spots thought to unite the energies of masculine and feminine….Hint. They’re easy to spot these ones, spiritual types with a clear fondness for showing off their tan lines, willing to try anything at least once. Look out for recent college graduates who can’t find a job in the economic meltdown and so turn to a spirit quest to stall for time.
Men, take note: These are women in search of new modes of connection willing to make a string of new and different mistakes for their entire lives! One of them will surely give you a go. And ladies, you know these bearded, new age types. They will do things that your husbands and boyfriends would never ever do. Ever.
Note: You might need a toothpick after you’re finished as these children of the earth goddess don’t take kindly to grooming.
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