Seven Capital Cities in Seven Days (2 of 8)

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Surprise, Surprise...

I woke, an hour later, at daybreak, 5am, and lay staring at the snow-topped Alps. The scenery was overwhelming as the train bypassed the huge mountains and ducked beneath them, into attenuated tunnels, arriving at the other side to more luxurious landscape.

Our arrival in Vienna (Wien) at 9am was a wet one. We trekked around the desolate terminal in Vienna and Shane called Vlastik. The quick-chat ended as Corky told the Czech guy that he had a friend from Siena with him. Vlastik said that it would be no problem and that he would meet us at the Breclav train station in the afternoon.

Visited the Belvedere castle, near the train station, in the pouring rain and took a few photos. Walked all around the castle which houses the Austrian gallery of modern art and a museum of medieval art. Didn't think too much of walking around Wien in the lashing rain so we decided to find a decent seat on the train.

Corky advised a cabin in which two people had reserved seats. Mentioned to Shane that I hoped that a good-looking woman would sit across from me. No sooner had I said this when a good-looking woman sat down across from me! I winked at Shane and started talking to her, as I do. Kara was from Missoula in Montana and was studying music in Vienna. Our American friend was with a group of about 30 students from the U.S. who were studying for a few months in the Austrian capital.

Myself and Kara had prolonged communication until we reached the outskirts of Wien. My American soul-mate then pretended to fall asleep but I noticed that her eyes were not fully closed and that Kara was staring at me through her eyelashes. Every time she'd open her eyes, we would make eye-contact and I would receive a devious smile.

As we approached the Czech Republic we were asked for our passports again by both Austrian officials and Czech borderguards. I thanked the Czech uniform in my perfect Czech accent and he seemed a little surprised; that an Irish dude was so fluent in his native tongue.

Bréclav (map) was our next stop and we bid Kara goodbye, telling her that if she ever visits Ireland, just pick up the phone and ask for "Philip"! I waited as Shane disembarked to meet Vlastik. As arranged, Shane would turn the Czech giant around so as he wouldn't see me sneaking up on him. Just as I arrived at Vlastik's back he turned around and was gobsmacked as he hugged me surprisingly.

We walked the five-minute-walk to Mr. Valasek's apartment and we had lunch and beer courtesy of Big-V. Lounging out on his sofa, we talked and caught up on what's been happening since we'd last seen each other. We organised how to surprise Hana Klimentova and thought it best just to arrive on the doorstep unannounced. Romantic or what?

After missing the 5pm train to Brno, Vlastik brought us to play some pool. As usual, I played excellent but obviously let Corky and Vlastik beat me; like the decent, humble and modest bloke that I am. We made it in time for the next train, an hour later, to the Czech Republic's second city.

Vlastik was shocked as I sang my heart out on the hour-long journey, much to the amusement of the sparse crowd which I entertained.

Arriving in Brno, myself and Corky just felt impelled to empty our bowels (as opposed to our consonants)! Finding the toilets we told Vlastik to pay for "Two Shits". Everywhere on the continent charges you to enter their toilets. So Mr. Valasek split his sides with laughter as we pushed him to ask for "Two Shits". Tore off a plethora of toilet paper and relieved ourselves. Fully rehabilitated, we visited the train-station shop and I purchased seven roses for Hana's mother, Mrs. Klimentova.

Then I found Borivojova on the map of Brno, much to my delight. It was a tiny street in the east suburbs of the city. Jumped into a taxi and he brought us to Hana's doorstep. As we were clambering out of the taxi, I noticed a shadow at the door. My adrenalin was definitely at it's height now as we approached the front gate and the door opened.

Hana appeared with a poofter of a dog, lassoed to a lead. She set eyes on me and as her mouth hit the floor, her deep blue eyes opened widely, definitely flabbergasted. Hana's hand was raised to her mouth and she wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. That was the result I was hoping for - 'Czech-mate' (am I a man of words or what?). Obviously overwhelmed, Hana just said "Phil...". When Hana noticed that Vlastik was with us, she said something in Czech, giving out to him for not telling her that I had arrived.

It took around five minutes of constant "Aahhing" and "ooohhing" before the three of us were invited into Hana's household. Whereupon we were introduced to Mr. Kliment and Mrs. Klimentova. They were all smiles and Hana's Dad said something smart and all the Czechs present broke out laughing. Because I knew that a derogatory comment was made I promised myself that revenge was in order!

We were given tea, coffee and water as Hana was still astounded with my surprise. When all the excitement had come down a few decibels, we all exited into the dark, fresh Brno air in search of a tram to bring us into town.

On the tram into town, myself and Corky decided to try to make it to Bucharest to see Ireland against Romania. Arrived soon after at Malone's Irish pub in downtown Brno. It was good to see the crowd again (after I'd visited in February) and we found a big, wooden table with our names on it. Our barmaid for the night introduced herself as "Anna from Brno" and I could sense that Shane fancied his chances. Myself and my Czech babe started with a pint of orange juice to settle the nerves (so she said!) and progressed onto try the Guinness and Jameson's whisky.

Across from our table sat a clique of English teachers from such extrinsic parts as Canada, Scotland (a Protestant Celtic supporter) and Cambridge. The Canadian spoke in basic French and I found out that our barmaid, Anna, was almost fluent en francais. So when Anna arrived for the next round of drinks I spoke with her, in my couramment French.

Asking her what was she up to after work because I had a friend who was at a loose end tonight. Anna mentioned that she was going home to bed. Enquiring was she sleeping on her own, the blond, Heidi-like barmaid, answered me that she was indeed sleeping by herself. I blurted out that sleeping by oneself was totally boring. Heidi just sneered at me when I pointed out that Corky was truly handsome and that if I wasn't already with Hana that I'd nearly fancy him myself?

Meanwhile, during all this fluent franglais, a Czech lady, who was with the congregation of imported English teachers, was smiling and winking brazenly at me. I smiled politely back and whispered to my Irish comrade that I had made eye-contact. Shane made some vituperative comment and I ignored him.

At midnight, the disciples of the English language rose from their seats and began to leave. A young lady from Cambridge was wobbling recklessly towards the door and I questioned her as to whether she was in the team which competed in the University Boat Race earlier this year. The eloquent student teacher replied that she was on the cox - "I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that you were"!

We two Celtic Warriors invited ourselves over to prop up the bar, leaving Hana and Vlastik to chat freely, to interrogate the Irish bar servant. "Tallaght", was the short, sharp reply. Now for those people who are ignorant of the Dublin suburbs, Tallaght, along with Ballymun have both been twinned with Beirut and the West Bank town of Hebron. I delved deeper into her knowledge of Tallaghians, enquiring if she knew a particular "Slapper, called Karen, who works in Dunnes Stores, from Tallaght". No joy!

Anyway, we were donated a couple of pints (not orange juice) and Billy joined us at the bar. By now the whole pub was well empty and Billy was the manager from Ballsbridge (a very posh area of Dublin). The giant from Ballsbridge was going out with the Tallaghian (opposites attract?) and we had a great chat until about 2am when Hana rudely disturbed us to say that her last tram was leaving soon. Some things never change - Hana always thinking of everyone else before herself!

Disjointed, we left Malone's and walked back to the tram stop. Hana donated her lips which I tenderly kissed and we parted. The train back to Vlastik's town of Bréclav (pronounced 'Brjetslav' - very difficult to enunciate when you've had a few Jameson's!) was very annoying. As I attempted to fall asleep, this old bloke from the Slovak Republic sat directly across from us. Offering cans of beer, Shane dribbled a few mouthfuls and the noisy statements started. All that remains with me from that journey, was this moustached scundered Slovak shouting his head off until we arrived in Bréclav.

Back at Vlastik's place and he showed us an atlas, inside of which was a map of Eastern Europe. Searching for Bucharest, we were unimpressed when we located the Romanian capital. Agreeing that it was too far to travel just to see Ireland (probably) get beaten, we conked out and drifted off into three comatose states (and I don't mean Utah, Indiana and Michigan!).
Read all eight parts of Seven Capital Cities in Seven Days
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight



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