Qualifying Statement #1
I am an American, twenty-six years old, male, and from Atlanta, Georgia. I speak English with a slight drawl. However, I am Latin, especially in appearance, and I speak Spanish with little or no accent. This makes me sort of like Bilbo Baggins in J.R.R. Tolkien's, The Hobbit. I have that ring that makes me invisible. So, when I say that I know exactly what is going on here, then I mean it.

When and if you ever travel to Costa Rica, then there are several guidelines that you should follow to keep you healthy, happy and safe. Here they are:

1) Don't trust anybody
If you are a male tourist, then any girl paying too much attention to you is a hooker or a thief or both. The same holds true for female tourists, except that Costa Rican guys want what every heterosexual male wants, and they also want you to take them to dinner and buy them things. 65.5% of Costa Ricans are genuine, salt of the Earth people, but the other 34.5% are the reason that there are bars on all of the doors and windows. This isn't a joke.

2) Pura Vida!
This phrase is a license to be late to any appointment or not show up at all. Costa Ricans are non-confrontational people, for the most part, so they don't mind just blowing off everything. If they don't want or can't meet you, then they don't want to hurt your feelings by telling you. This has rubbed off even on me. It has taken me three months to write this article. I blame it on heavy doses of Pilsen (my Costa Rican beer of choice), casinos, and gorgeous, twenty year old chicks that will go to any lengths to secure a US Passport or, at least, a trip to the United States. But, I digress.

3) Costa Ricans call themselves: TICO/A'S

4) Costa Rica is one big Maytag Washing Machine for money.

5) On average, Costa Rican women are some of the most beautiful in the world. The men, however, are rather plain. It is easy to see why a male tourist might chase after a pretty Tica. But, it seems that female tourists like their Ticos for the novelty of the idea. I know. I am going to Hell for all of the lies that I have told visiting American girls, in affected, broken English, just to get from Point A to Point P.

6) Anybody that tells you that Costa Rica is a Democracy is a liar. It is an Oligarchy with a welfare state for the masses. 88 to 100 families control all of the wealth and they have just as much money as any American that you know. Average per capita, however, is about US$6600 per annum.

7) Everything that can be viewed as a commodity is for sale in Costa Rica. Land, guns, drugs, children (for adoption), women, and everything in between. Name a price for anything, and if that price is right, then you just bought it.

8) Costa Ricans are notoriously prejudiced. It is for that reason that the government wouldn't let Ticos of Asian or African descent leave Puerto Limon until about twenty-five years ago.

9) If you don't speak Spanish fluently or you couldn't pass for a Latino, then you might as well have a sign around your neck that says: Please, overcharge me.

10) When someone says: Pura Vida, then the correct response is, TUANYS. However, if you are a heavy hitting, evil-doing, little squirrel like me, then you use the "old school" Costa Rican phrase, "Con toda la pata," which loosely translates to: I have it all.

At this point, I am sure that you are asking yourself:
Why is this kid still there, if he rags it so much?

First, the ending of my first novel takes place here and I vowed not to leave until it was finished. Second, and most important, the aesthetics of this country knock me out. I get up in the morning and look out across the Pacific Ocean or back at the mountains and it literally takes my breath away. The panorama is magnificent.

And, lastly, it pleases me to be able to do what I want, when I want, and for whatever reason that I want and not catch flak from one, single person. I have always been that way. So, you could say that this place has become a game for me, except, the gun and the boot and the man on the horse are real. They exist. And, I am winning.

In closing, I would like to say that you can come here with your significant other and never see any of what I am talking about, except the overcharging part. You can seclude yourself in a nice resort and never see the way it is. Or, you can have the testicular fortitude to open up the crank case of the machine and look inside and see how the gears and the wheels and the pulleys work. Then, you will know that I am right on the money.

I eagerly await the emails that will call me a misogynistic, racist, geocentric turd. And, as I am sure that you can all see, I will be deeply concerned. Don't blame me for telling the truth. I write this article so that you might travel here and have a clue as to how it really works so that you aren't taken advantage of and so you can truly enjoy the aesthetics of Costa Rica.

Ciao! Con toda la pata.