Towards the end of March when the last of the weekend warriors and working class heroes are dribbling outta town and an air of normalcy begins to descend upon Mazland beware, for "Something wicked this way comes".

Although a lot of the biggest 'Spring Break Bashes' have shifted to the likes of Cancun and such, Mazland will still be invaded by one of the most bizarre creatures on the planet this month...the college student. Arriving in giant swarms of Pacifico powered tequila torqued masses, this throng of testosterone will descend on the already exhausted populace of Mazland with such a show of drunken, naked debauchery you will find yourself wondering, "Is there life after college?" and "Why didn't I think of that then?"

If you're over 30, male, single, not a registered sex-offender and plan to be in town, also plan on taking somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty-five cold showers a day. If you're married, figure on a "picture with no sound" (from mama), daily face slapping, no sex, and worst case scenario, a lengthy and costly divorce. Or grab mama and head for Stone Island, you should be fairly safe there and could very likely salvage your marriage.

If you're over forty, single, and decide to stay, good luck to you. You're tougher than I am and remember...Viagra is available here without a prescription.

If, however, you are part of the swarm my advice is simple. Bring a camera, preferably digital. Your friends that didn't come will never believe you and besides, trust me, you'll treasure the memories later in life.

Your first full day's plan of attack should read something like this. First stop, Joe's Oyster Bar. This will allow you to get the good spots either on the beach wall or the beach itself. This should keep you occupied for hours, it does me (see: viagra). Cruise the beach. The hot ones that aren't at Joe's and are friendly can be invited back. Ladies, this goes for you too. After all, it is the '00s.

If by evening you haven't paired up or at least have some great prospects, go home, you're wasting your money and you might as well be studying. Have a nap, a shower, and some food. Trust me you'll need all three.

When you're ready you might as well get it over with and hit Senor Frogs. The longer you wait the longer the lines will be. Try to get back to Joe's before say, 8:00 or you'll never get a seat. If at all possible, grab a table in between the beach and the waiters' station. Make fast friends with your waiter and tip well. This place will be wall to wall by 9:30 and if you ever hope to see another drink after that, remember what I said. The shift changes at 6:00 so don't expect the one you made friends with earlier to be there. These tables also have the best view of the drunken people dancing on the bar yet is just out of fallout range.

At least one hour before last call head for the disco at the Borra Borra otherwise the line is huge and they'll only let so many in. If by the time this joint closes and you still ain't fallen in love try Fandango's, they're open all night. Guys, get a cab out to Dos Gordos. If all else fails you can buy some.

Happy hunting.

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