My legs are rubber, knees about to buckle, calves cramping. In my delirium I grope for a resting place but find nothing. I can't feel my toes. I see mirages – chairs, benches; they flicker invitingly, only to vanish as I approach. I teeter on the verge of fainting.

Suddenly a voice rings out from the blinding light: "Oh stop acting like a baby! We've only been shopping for two hours."

It's a familiar voice, a cruel voice – the voice of my girlfriend, whose endurance far exceeds mine on such days. For her the "Excessories" section at "Forever 21" is paradise – for me it's somewhere between the Sahara desert and the very fires of hell.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a shopper. I'm just a different kind: Identify an objective, write a list, complete the mission. In and out. That's my motto. And when I've found what I'm after, I don't dilly-dally, putting items on hold comparing, hemming, hawing. I slap down the plastic and vacate the premises. Mission complete! And I don't care much for the sanitized world of smiley retail.

Luckily we live in a city that accommodates us both. Portland is a town for any kind of shopper. But the variety of choices can make any shopper dizzy. So here are some tips to guide you on your journey.

If you're downtown and want the mall experience, Pioneer Place is it. It has an impressive array of stores, lots of upper-end and upscale: Saks Fifth Avenue, B.C.B.G., Sharper Image, etc. Also directly beside the mall is Pioneer Courthouse Square. The Square features Banana Republic, Abercrombie & Fitch and Nordstrom's.

The other 2 major malls in town are the Lloyd Center Mall and Washington Square Mall.

A few blocks away from Pioneer Courthouse Square there's a little shop called Poker Face. Poker Face is starting a buzz in town among punks who wear designer labels. Jason, the owner, flies to New York every month to get the latest. Expensive place but real, real cool. Poker Face is on 128 SW 3rd; call them at (503) 294 0445.

If you want to get off the beaten path a little, you definitely have to visit the Hawthorne district. In Hawthorne you'll find a ton of vintage shops and trendy clothiers.

For a list of um, well, alternative shops visit here first.

Of course you can't leave town without hitting Portland's ultimate shopping street, Northwest 23rd. On 23rd you get a little of everything. High-end, bargain, wacky; 23rd used to have a huge fancy store that just sold desserts… for dogs! Can you imagine? They went paws-up, which was too bad because their frosted milk bones were delicious! But that's the kind of eclectic shopping experience you get on this teeming stretch.

If you're a treasure hunter or just plain broke there's always the Goodwill, the Sally Ann and dozens of others. Here's a complete list of bargain stores in Portland and the surrounding area.

For a guide to "junking" in Portland hit the link for more junk than anyone could ever need.

The Saturday Market is a must. If you can put up with a crowd this is the ultimate shopping experience.

As you can see there's a ton of shopping to do in Portland. It doesn't matter if you're on a mission or a stroll, if you're broke or loaded, picky or tasteless. Portland has something for everyone.

And take it from me, if you're a different kind of shopper than your spouse, split for the day and meet up later. The relationship will last longer – and so will you.

Questions?
If you want more information about this area you can email the author or check out our North America Insiders page.