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Also by Maurice

BLACKOUT!

The 66...6

Admired from Afar

The Answer

Ben Nevis Blues

Cherry Jump

Drag Queens

Hello, Your Governess

Hneyksli (Shocker)

Kava King!

Look Both Ways

Mission of Vengeance

Pleased To Meet You

Risky (Sticky) Business

Sorry Charlie



Hello, Your Governess
Brisbane, Australia
By Maurice D. Valentine

Di and Erik, the connections to the party.

Okay, it would be safe to say that I was pretty plastered when this woman I didn't know approached me. I mean, by that time I had just finished my second bottle of Omni Champagne, a rather cheap booze you could get in Oz. Besides, the caterer and I were having a great conversation at this artsy fartsy show, and he was always happy to refill my flute as soon as I drained it.

The Woman Who I Didn't Know approached me cautiously, looking at me as if she had met me sometime before – but just couldn‘t pinpoint it. I looked at her as if she was from the moon.

She nudged her way through the crowd towards me. "Er – excuse me," she said. "But aren't you a member of the African-Australian Commission of Art?"

"Oh why of course," I responded, feeling like quite the comedian. "I'm a member of the Bronx Chapter!"

The woman stared at me, confused as hell. "What? What Bronx Chapter?"

I started laughing at her. "I'm sorry miss, I'm just pulling your leg. I'm actually just a backpacker here from New York checking out this art show." She laughed embarrassingly, apologizing. Then slithered back into the crowd carousing around all the artwork.

The caterer was laughing at my little joke as I looked over at the huge Governor. She was a blimp – over 200 pounds I'd say. And was chatting up a storm with people and the media types at the show. I took another sip of champagne, trying to get some more Dutch courage. "Okay, pal. I gotta do this. I don't normally meet a Governor so up close and personal where I'm from, ya know what I'm sayin'?" He approved, topping off my flute as I revved my engines, ready to approach her. All I wanted was to just get the most basic of memories anyhow.

A photograph.


Confusion was the norm on my first trip through Australia back in 1996. I found it absolutely comedic. Everywhere I went I was being confused for someone else. An American basketball player (I'm too short and can't even dribble), someone from New Guinea (please), or even a damn actor (I wish). I wondered what the Governor of Queensland would say to me when I approached her for a photograph as well.

I had been invited to the School of Arts, a building right in the center of Brisbane by Diane Yeo, a very good friend of mine. She was a graphic designer for the Queensland Museum, and we had met in New York only a year earlier. Attractive and quite friendly, she had invited me to come out to Australia to visit if I ever got the chance. And as it turned out, I got that chance when I sold my Black Beauty – my beloved souped-up Merkur, to a slimy street kid. I then immediately took a leave of absence from my retail job at the time and did a big 3-month trip through Australia, my very first trip outside the military.

Diane was well-known in art circles in Brisbane, and when she got the invite at the home she shared with her mom in St. Lucia, asked me if I wanted to go.

"So hey," she said. "I've been invited to this art show, one of my friends is in it, a guy named Marc Harrison. It's happening a few days from now. He's a sculptor, using wood to create furniture. It should be rather interesting; Marc is a good friend, and my brother's best friend as well. It'll be a typical art show, with free alcohol and free food for a couple of hours. My mum is going, and so is Erik as well. Would you like to go?"

"I've always been interested in the arts, being a trained artist. Yeah, most definitely." I said. "I like the free booze and food part especially."

So when that evening came, Erik Williamson (of Risky Sticky Business fame), Diane's mom and I drove to the show. Diane was to catch up with us later, for her work week was quite hectic at the time.

As we approached the building from the parking lot, a black Bentley pulled up in front of us. In the overhead streetlamp I saw a huge form spill out of the back seat of the car, being helped by a chauffeur. "Who is that fat woman over there?"

"Oh, that's Leneen Ford, the Governor of Queensland." Erik said nonchalantly.

I was in shock. "You gotta be kidding me. The Governor of Queensland? In the States, an opportunity like this never comes up. The Governors are never that close to their public who voted them in. It wasn't like you could just knock on the door of Governor Pataki's Office and say hey, can we talk? Damn, I'm glad a brought my camera. I just have to get my picture taken with this woman."

"Oh it's not really a big deal around here, Mo." Erik said. "The Governors are pretty accessible. Most people don't even bat an eye when something like this happens."

"But the Moman is in effect here, pal. I gotta get a picture. It's gotta happen."

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