18 June 2002
The Resolution of Anger.
Someone telling me how I am “mean to her”, and she has seen the “way I treat her”.
Something about my friend, Deanna, and what she represents.
My dreams make it apparent to me that I have not loved in quite a while. I have not been loving, therefore, I have not been loved.
A Breadfruit falls from the tree.
Under the tree at the beach
I am sitting on a lounge chair under a big palm tree on the beach at Round Hill. The resort is magnificent.
The sand crab keeps hiding from me when he sees me watching him from my spot from under the tree. He’s digging a hole by throwing out sand. He disappears into the hole and throws out a pile of sand like snow. He is very cute. His eyeballs are big and black on the ends of tentacles. He won’t come out when he sees me get closer. I’m trying to take a picture but he won’t come out now. He is very smart. He hides when he sees me watching him from my spot under the tree. A Breadfruit falls from the tree.
The Tennis Match
We played tennis today. I thought that it would be fun. We waited until four o’clock thinking it would be cooler. I could only last a half an hour. Round Hill has amazing facilities and staff. I felt awkward when the guy at the desk came out on the courts with us. I wasn’t sure what he was doing. Turns out, he was playing ‘ball boy’. How cool is that? We would hit the ball totally out of control, and he would go get it for us. Now, I am a RECREATIONAL tennis player. I like to spend fifteen minutes or so warming up by volleying back and forth, and then I like to play a game. Otherwise, I get bored very quickly or extremely frustrated. So we started playing a game, and I felt I was doing fairly well, but the ball boy kept giving me the balls and I kept serving over and over and over again. I’m not that great of a server, but I definitely get an ‘E’ for EFFORT. I started losing focus and feeling faint. I looked at my watch. Fifteen minutes had gone by. Damn.
Lounging at the pool
“Would you like to serve?” I returned some good ones and did my usual court dance of joy. If I can get a few in each game, I’m happy. I asked David to switch sides, thinking the other one would be cooler, but to no avail, I was on my way to heat exhaustion. No way around it. “When do we get a water break?” “Do you need one?” I was dying. I know David fairly well, and I know how he is about exercise. He wouldn’t want to quit until he had played for at least 45 minutes. I was stuck. No way out. Wait a minute! The BALL BOY! I asked him, “Would you like to hit the ball with him for a while?” GREAT! I’m done.
I had to walk up and down the court for the next twenty minutes to catch my breath, and I was sweating profusely and couldn’t stop. I drank my entire bottle of water and sprinkled it on the back of my neck to try to cool off. I thought all of this rigmarole might be a bit distracting to the game, but I couldn’t help it. It turned out that the BALL BOY was a really good tennis player and ended up giving David some really great pointers. I headed back to the tennis office to get some more water. “Are you going back to the villa?” he asked. “No, I’ll wait for you.” When I got to the office, the key was in the door. Ahhh, the air conditioning felt great but I couldn’t stop moving. I looked in the mirror and I was atrocious. I had gotten sunscreen all over my tennis dress and there were leaves stuck to it as well from when I was walking back and forth on the court. I guess I was brushing against the foliage and I looked “tarred and feathered”. My face was no better. It was bright red and blotchy. I knew it. I had forgotten what can happen to me. It has been so long since I pushed myself that much. I used to get overheated all the time when I played sports as a kid. The coaches would make us run three miles every day in the heat, and I always took a few hours to recover from it. Ten more minutes and David was done as well. The BALL BOY went right back out with a woman from Alabama who said she just finished a tournament back home and didn’t want to lose her swing. So we headed back to the Villa for some R&R before dinner.
David on the veranda
It’s pretty humbling to admit I’m so out of shape and to see myself, my naked body in its current state: thick middle with sagging butt and protruding stomach, almost someone else’s body. I used to teach exercise before I became a business woman, and was pretty much ‘ripped’. As my sister has said, “It’s shocking to see you this way.” I’m happy to not have been looking this closely when I weighed 150 pounds. When I commit to something, I do it with head down, blinders on, nonstop. When I left New York I weighed 140. I had lost ten pounds in April simply because I was so sick of feeling heavy that I didn’t want to eat anymore. I have five days left on this trip and I thought to myself, “I can work out every day for two hours and lose weight on this trip. I owe it to myself to get my body back.” Yea, right. Who diets on vacation??
Tonight we were ‘wined and dined” by the staff. Katrina and Josef met us at the Manager’s cocktail hour, and then Katrina escorted us to the outdoor dining area on the patio upstairs. It is beautiful outside, and dinner is lit only by candles and the moonlight. Katrina is a lovely woman and recommends the Snapper Fricassee and soufflé chocolate. It was absolutely delicious, accompanied by the “Round Hill” cabernet sauvignon which was named after the resort by the winemaker. After dinner, we stayed up at the bar and ran into the woman from Alabama and her two sons. I offered them use of our private pool the next day, as we were planning to be out all day on a trip to Ocho Rios, and their Villa didn’t have one.
View from the veranda
The Villa was unbelievable. The villas at Round Hill are individually owned by 27 share holders and available as deluxe accommodations. Round Hill offered us a villa with a private pool where I went skinny dipping late that night while listening to Madonna blaring from the veranda. David fell asleep on the couch and woke suddenly to make sure I was okay. “My mom always said never to swim alone.” The stars weren’t the only ones looking out for me that night. I settled in the room next door and drifted off to sleep.
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