I am not a mall person, but malls are air conditioned and this one has an internet cafe. Both are important. If there was one but not the other here, you would still assume that I am in Turkey, because I would not be writing this.

I arrived here a few days ago after flying for what seemed like a year in a metal tube with tiny meals. The flight from San Francisco went for several months until it arrived in Tokyo. The plane had been nearly empty on it's way to Tokyo and I was plenty liquored up and it was not so bad. I hogged a whole row of seats.

On the map, Japan and Thailand look real close to one another, but the cartographers are playing a weetle joke on ya. It's another goddamned six hours from Narita to BKK. I had just enough time to get my woozy butt onto the connecting flight, Northwest flight one that had originated in Minneapolis. Imagine how THEY must have felt by the time they arrived in Japan. The plane was crowded, but I had an aisle seat. Meals had been loaded on in Japan and the food improved tremendously.

When I deplaned in Bangkok, the moist air hit me in the face like a large grouper. Inside the terminal it (the building, not the grouper) was air conditioned. I snagged my luggage, got some money out of the ATM and cleared customs. I was out of there like a baht out of hell.

Former co-worker (and current ex-pat) pal was waiting for me. We loaded my crap into his van and sped off to his and his wife's apartment in the lovely ex-pat district.

Friendly uniformed people greeted us when we got home. Friendly uniformed people opened the car door for us. Friendly uniformed people took my luggage up for me. I am liking this uniformed people thang very much. I nodded out after a welcome cocktail and slept as though I had been run over by a steam roller during the night.

The next morning, my friends were at work, and I stayed around the apartment, looking out of the window, but acting like a baby bird afraid to leave the nest. I had never been to Southeast-Asia, only to Western Asia, or Turkey.

So I stayed inside, looking out the smoggy city of Bangkok, noting unfamiliar bird calls and big, white butterflies all around below me from the balcony. After such a short buffer time between Goreme in Capadoccia, Turkey and a city filled with tuk-tuks and lemon grass, I had a hard time adjusting to my new reality. But, I am here.

After a day spent recovering from the 16 hour flight, nightfall came, as it usually does, in the evening. My buddy came home from work. His wife had a business meal to attend to, she would not be joining us for dinner.

He made a couple of cocktails for each of us, Absolut Mandarin, Schweppes Lime soda and Red Bull over ice. Within minutes, I was feeling no pain, but was wide awake.

We sauntered off to dinner, a Korean barbecue joint. Soon, I was eating plenty of barbecued meat along with some unidentifiable spicy, pickled things and then had some more grilled meat for dessert. We drank several of some sort of fire water in shot glasses and washed that down with beer. Yee ha!

My friend was determined to make my first night in Bangkok a memorable one, so we taxied over to the Soi Cowboy, a street of bars filled with neon lights, loud music and foreign tourist men of the Aussie and Japanese businessman persuasion. And girls.

Lots of girls. Dozens of young Thai women sitting in front of the bars, beckoning and grabbing passersby into their bars. My pal knew which joints were the best, whatever 'best' means in this instance, and he took me into one.

We were seated by a lovely hostess, and immediately a pretty young woman was sitting next to me. She was sitting as close to me as is possible, and I am sure that she would have sat on my lap if I still had one. Now then: let us be clear. I am a red-blooded male and all, and I don't often have young Thai women holding onto me and blowing into my ear, but I was not there to rent new friends and the whole thing was really rather squicky.

There was a stage, and on that stage were four women who had apparently forgotten their outer clothing, all of it. They were demonstrating the use of rather ordinary objects in a manner that those objects were certainly not originally intended to be used. One woman, I forgot her name, was smoking cigarettes four at a time. Was she not worried about cancer? Well, at least she would not be getting lung cancer, of that I am sure. Off I went to the WC to take a leak, and inside said room there was a woman in her birthday suit being used as an artist's canvas with dayglo paint. At that point, I knew for sure that I was not in Kansas anymore.

At about 2:00am, we hailed a taxi and went home, alone, leaving the women to figure out what bath soap works best on body paint.

Questions?
If you want more information about this area you can email the author or check out our Asia Insiders page.