Lock, Stock and Copenhagen – Copenhagen, Denmark

Lock, Stock & Copenhagen

Thomas calls and says, “Come to Copenhagen.” He says Easter is special there. Says Coburg is boring. So we go – me and Mike. Mike drives his Audi at 200km/hr on the autobahn. He plays Israeli rap and Black Eyed Peas the whole way. His square head thrusts forward rhythmically to the music. Mike’s an aggressive guy.

Six hours later we’re at the ferry. Two more hours and we’re lost in Copenhagen. Mike drives the wrong way down streets and over ‘No Entry’ obstacles. Thomas waves to us from a window. We stop.

Thomas’ girlfriend Jeanette is nice. Really. She actually doesn’t mind that two guys are filling her tiny living room with crap for three days. We go out to a club. A bouncer seven feet tall keeps us waiting for ten minutes. Inside it’s crazy. We meet Rob the Canadian. We all know Rob from before. We drink, dance and look at gorgeous Danish girls. We go home and sleep on saggy camp beds with creaking springs. I’m told I snore.

We go look around Copenhagen. We see man-made lakes. We walk through a military park. We see the old Royal Palace. We drink hot chocolate in the centre of town and watch scruffy street people act crazy. I feel bad for the Danish until I hear an Australian accent. Then I feel bad for myself. I buy a pair of boxer briefs that say ‘Boxer’ on the front.

Thomas and his friend Mikkel take us out at night. We meet Rob again. We see hookers. We see sex shops. We see red lights. Thomas leads us into a sex shop. Downstairs there’s a bar full of desperados. The barmaid looks forty-five. Her hair is bleached. She’s topless. Mike is unhappy. He hates the place. He gets angry. He wants to go. Mikkel gives the barmaid some money. She gets up on the bar. She’s naked. She pours a beer in an obscene way. They want Mike to join in with the barmaid. He refuses. Rob joins in, then drinks the beer. Thomas is upset that Mike is upset. He thought it would be a laugh. Mike is hard to get along with sometimes.

We go to a club. Mikkel asks me if guys don’t dance with other guys in Australia. I say that’s right. He says he understands. Danish guys do though. I see a girl who looks like Kellis. A guy hits on her and she makes a chattering motion with her hand and looks bored. She leaves. We leave.

Danish Feast
Danish Feast
The next day is Easter. We go to Thomas’ parents. They prepare a feast. There’s lots of herring. Lots of courses. Its amazing like Thomas said it would be.

His family rocks. His sister is hot. We all eat a lot of food and laugh. A drinking game begins. Everyone loses. We all get drunk. Aquavit and more aquavit.

Shot after shot. Faces are red. Thomas’ mom disappears, passed out on a bed. I feel strange and go for a walk. I don’t want anyone to know I’m sick. I go to a park. I hide behind a tree and throw up. On the way back I steal a t-shirt from a clothes line.

I use it to clean myself. I throw it away.

I’ve been missed. Police have been called. I’m asked what my last name is. I say ‘Why does that matter.’ I refuse to answer even though I’m not upset. We drink more Aquavit. I ask Jeanette how she met Thomas. She says they met while traveling in SE Asia. They were on a bus. He was wearing cowboy boots and playing an air drum. She thought he was weird but cute. They’ve been together five years. I don’t remember how we get home. Someone drives.

Little Mermaid
Little Mermaid
We go to a Viking Museum. We all like it. We see longboats and dress up in ancient fashions. We learn some things and feel good about ourselves. We go see ‘The Passion Of Christ’. I’m blown away. Mike hates it. Says it reflects poorly on Jews. He bangs the top of a parked car to emphasize his point. Thomas and Jeanette look at each other. We’re on a ferry. We glide down canals. We see the Little Mermaid. We realize Copenhagen is kick-ass. I decide I want to live there.

Friends come over. Two girlfriends of Jeanette’s. I talk to them. Pour them a drink. We all have dinner. Later I hear that both of them would date me. We all go out. Rob is with us. One of Jeanette’s friends can get us into a party. We walk past a long crowd waiting outside. We get in even though Rob is not dressed right. Beautiful people are all around. They know it. They look happy with themselves. We dance. We talk. Rob gets drunk. Someone takes Rob’s seat. Rob starts a fight. Rob makes a scene. Rob is uncool. Cool people turn their backs. I want to turn my back.
Jeanette defends Rob. Defends him against bouncers. Defends him against beautiful people. Jeanette has more balls than the rest of us. I envy Thomas.

Rob makes another scene. He gets thrown out. Mike gets too drunk. He falls into a cab and disappears. Mikkel, Thomas, Jeanette and I go for pizza. Late night pizza. We sit on a doorstep and eat. Two pretty girls go past. They wear furs that make them look like hookers. Thomas says something in Danish. The girls stop. They laugh at Thomas. They ask Jeanette if she wants to sleep with them. She doesn’t.

Its morning at Christiania. Sad hippie buildings and riot police. Mike wants to buy hash cookies. He won’t stop talking about hash cookies. I thought Mike didn’t like drugs. We eat there. Upstairs in a hall. Mikkel gets a phone call. Thomas’ sister wanted to join us for lunch. She walked round for an hour, then left. Thomas’ phone was dead. She cries on the phone. Thomas is upset. Mike orders steak. He always orders steak. He hates it. He complains that it’s too small and tasteless. He doesn’t know he’s being insulting. That night, we go to a three floor dance club.

We go for breakfast – American-style. Thomas and Jeanette pay. It’s not the first time. They won’t take no. They want to show us what friendship means in Denmark. They’ve shown us in so many ways I stopped counting. We meet the girl Mikkel slept with last night. She doesn’t know she was a booty call. Or maybe she hides it well.

Goodbyes in a car park. Last chances to imprint someone’s face in your mind.

The road is lonelier on the way back.