Ontario, Canada – April 1999

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Ontario Awakens from Hibernation Every February 2 Wiarton, Ontario’s own albino gopher, Wiarton Willie predicates the weather for the next 6 weeks. This year he died before his big day, but his last words reportedly (I’m not making this up) were that we were getting an early spring. Well, he was wrong! We’ve had a […]

Ontario, Canada – August 1999

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Kings of Blue Mountain After a restless night of eager anticipation, getting up at the crack of dawn wasn’t hard since I had scarcely slept. Today my fiancée, my mother, my aunt and I were making the first of what will undoubtedly be an annual pilgrimage. Our destination was a Mecca of our own design. […]

Ontario, Canada – December 1999

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Best and Worst of Ontario’s Millennium It’s hard to ignore all this millennial hoopla, so I decided to give into it. I’ve compiled a list of the best and worst of the past 1000 years in Ontario. Well, mostly just the last 200 years, since not much of what happened here was recorded until the […]

Ontario, Canada – January 2000

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Top Ten Things To Do in Ontario (Cold Months – All 5 of them) Winter temperatures start in November and run until March (sometimes April). But despite our grumbling, there are some benefits to the winter season. Ontarians have devised ingenious ways to make the best of our ungodly climate! Here, in no particularly order, […]

Ontario, Canada – July 1999

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The Bruce Trail Survival is the great Canadian theme, says author Margaret Atwood. We Canadians emphasize our ruggedness by perpetuating the myth of our harsh landscape and unforgiving weather. Most Canadians now live in an urban landscape in close proximity to the United States and not in proximity to true wilderness (though the U.S. could […]

Ontario, Canada – June 1999

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Toronto Vs. New York City I just returned from a long weekend in New York City. It was my first real trip in two years. Granted, I do make semi-regular trips to lovely Pembroke, Ontario (to visit my girlfriend’s family) but this was the first time I’d left the province. A needed fix for my […]

Ontario, Canada – March 2000

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Our Prime Minister is a French Fry and other Great Canadian Myths How much do Americans know about Canada? Almost nothing. Case in point, a Canadian comedy show, This Hour Has 22 Minutes, featured an interview with American Presidential candidate George W. Bush. The interviewer told Bush that Canada’s Prime Minister, Jean Poutine, supported his […]

Ontario, Canada – May 1999

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How to celebrate a dead monarch! I am already excited. The May 24 long weekend is coming. That date has particular resonance for Ontarians. "We are amused." Officially, it commemorates the birthday of Queen Victoria on May 24, 1819. After her death, we celebrated her birthday to show loyalty to the British Empire. In the […]

Ontario, Canada – November 1999

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Southern Ontario vs. Northern California I just returned from my honeymoon in San Francisco. I heard that it was one of the three most beautiful cities in North America, the others being New Orleans and Quebec City. Since I had already been to those two, we decided to finally see the third. While in San […]

Ontario, Canada – October 1999

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What Horrors Hide in the Ottawa Valley???(Aside from the marauding Liberal caucus) Since it’s near Halloween, this article is about the scariest place in all of Ontario: the Ottawa Valley! Man-eating bears! Polish vampires! Gawking Francophones! Gigantic sea-monsters! Drugged-out hippies! Radioactive rhubarb! Deadly bacteria! All 100% true! (with just a bit of my characteristic hyperbole). […]